In my recent blog posts, I shared my thoughts about having long stretches of time with low to no energy, and about how it’s okay to feel seemingly contradictory emotions at the same time. Well, I’m continuing with that theme here, unintentionally haha.
I’ve actually been having to reread what I wrote, that it’s okay to take time away from creation if I feel like I’m running on steam. I’ve had a blog post in mind for a couple of weeks that I really want to make but I have been incredibly tired more recently. Not only have I been getting terrible sleep (waking up several times and lots of dreams) but I think the intensity of summer has finally caught up to me. It feels like my body is not asking me, but telling me to stop trying so much, if that makes sense. And after talking with my BetterHelp therapist today, we confirmed that I need to take a break with the intense self-improvement and processing that I’ve been doing the last few years, and especially the last year. It feels like I’ve been reborn in a way and now I need to spend time being this new person.
Even though it’s still really hot, I have been able to sense a subtle shift in the air, like we’re finally getting the whisper of autumn. It’s been filling me with so much excitement, I almost feel like I’m starting to wake up slowly from a long hibernation. It’s so weird to feel like I could run through a field but at the same time I can barely think about getting the housework done. But that’s the thing about embracing life. It’s okay and good to feel the whole spectrum of emotions since I think it helps us learn about ourselves in a deeper way.
A few days ago, I felt like there was nothing for it but to just rest, and I did. It was one of the most relaxing days I’ve had in so long. I wrote in my journals and read and watched my favorite movie, Back to the Future Pt. 3. Sometimes people think that relaxation is a natural ability we all have, even those of us who don’t have many obligations. But just like anything, relaxing is a habit. That’s why when people who white-knuckle it through life finally take a two or three week vacation, they can’t actually calm their nerves, because they don’t know how – on top of overscheduling their time-off of course, which creates stress.
I’m sure you know what I mean when I say I am so exhausted that thinking about anything is a task and a half. My brain is mush. My therapist told me that a lot of people have been mentioning how tired they are as well, and Joel is also feeling spent. So maybe it’s my own personal goings-on as well as the general energy for a lot of people right now. For now I’m going to lower the threshold, let things be easy for myself, and release self-judgement and unnecessary obligations.
So that’s what I have been feeling the last couple of weeks: excitement and exhaustion. Today Joel and I only left the apartment to walk to the mailbox, and tonight we’re having breakfast for dinner. I want to be slow and present so I can use the little bit of steam for things that enrich my life.
Thank you so much for reading. I hope you are having a beautiful August!