I wanted to share with you a video I made recently. I thought the Moon looked incredible against the indigo sky and fading pink clouds, so I took out my camera and recorded a few seconds! I’m so glad I did, because when I was thinking of what caption to write, this quote came to mind. It means a lot to me since I have spent the last several years tucked away in my Hobbit hole, and I only recently emerged from hibernation. For a long time, it felt like I was lacking or that I was constantly missing parts of me that I wish were there.
Up until this year, I always felt as though I needed to constantly be going-going-going – I could never not be doing anything. Throughout my high school years I was constantly pushing, I tried out college several times, and I went from one part-time job to another to fill in the time so I wouldn’t appear lazy. Since my teenage years, it was made clear that we needed to know exactly what we wanted to do, what university to do it at, and in the meantime get perfect scores. It was constant competition. None of that enriched my life, sparked curiosity, or brought any meaning to me.
But I thought I was supposed to be doing all of that stuff. Everyone was telling me what was supposed to be important, and I didn’t know any better. I was given the template of life to go to school, university, and then job. I was never academically inclined, and I always felt less-than when I didn’t achieve good grades. But I never realized that – I always thought it was my own fault and I needed to try harder, compete, and get ahead. That mindset followed me into adulthood. In 2020 I planned on leaving part-time work for good, but the store ended up closing anyway. In the beginning I battled heavily with guilt and the idea that if I wasn’t doing something, then I am definitely not worthy of taking up space and simply enjoying life. So I kept attending Japanese class, got a TEFL certificate, and tried to force productivity.
Now I know that in 2020, God (or whatever you call them) forced me into hibernation mode so I could slow down and really look at my life and think about what I wanted. I had no idea just how much rubbish was stuffed into my mind and body that needed to get tossed.
So now I’m making up for lost time. I can blame the system until the cows come home, but now it’s my responsibility to take my life where I want it to go. In a way, 2020 marked the beginning of a second childhood for me, or something like that. As you grow up you’re ideally supposed to have the safety and space to learn about yourself and the world, but I didn’t have that until the age of 26. And I want to remind everyone that your body and subconscious will keep notes of things you have to go back to if you weren’t able to be present for them at the time they happened.
Wow, that one quote really sparked so much passion for me! I hope all this is helpful in some way.
So I could say I’ve been in a ‘new moon’ phase these last few years. It doesn’t look like anything has been going on, but my whole internal world has changed so much it’s incomparable to how it was even at the start of this year. I’ve learned that if I’m not meeting someone’s expectations or molding to some standard, I’ll be okay. We’re worthy and whole no matter what phase of life we’re in.
If you read all of that, thank you! I knew this was going to be a long post but I had no idea what was going to come up when I started writing.
I will talk to you soon!