For so many days I sat here trying to think of what to write. Nothing I thought of sounded interesting or fun, and I kind of felt a little apathetic about the blog. My daily life is actually really uneventful, and while I think it’s so important to look, and sometimes hunt, for the everyday magic, it’s difficult when you’re stuck in an apartment in the middle of a city, unable to connect with nature and breathe fresh air everyday.
I realized I sort of dove straight into my thoughts, but I wanted this post to be me saying what’s in my heart and on my mind. I worry that if I share what I’m really thinking, I’ll sound like I’m constantly complaining. But I’ve learned that people feel even more connected when they share their struggles and not just show the beautiful seaside cliffs, but also the smelly bogs. Writing this, the words are coming a bit easier than before when I was just staring at the screen trying to scrape together some words for one of the posts I have in my drafts folder.
I am feeling held back by my environment. I’m dreaming of a time when I can walk outside and not be surrounded by a cityscape and all that comes with it. When you want to live one way, but your circumstances say you can’t yet, it can be annoying on the best of days and completely disheartening on the worst.
It’s one of the main reasons why I temporarily stopped watching some of my favorite YouTubers who capture the beautiful landscapes that surround their homes. For the first couple of years their videos inspired me and helped me push through the dreadful heat and lack of nature around me, but around a year and a half ago I found myself feeling sad and depleted after watching someone living a life I want, whereas that same video a year prior would have put stars in my eyes. When I closed my laptop, my reality felt dull and shallow. I met with uncomfortable emotions such as envy and needed to create space for those emotions to teach me something new about myself. I knew those feelings had nothing to do with anyone I was watching (I am very picky about who I let into my life). Even though I really wanted to support them by watching and commenting, I gathered the self-compassion to put my mental health first and stop watching a lot of people, and even unfollow some people on Instagram. Again, I did it from a place of “they did nothing wrong, this is something I need to do for myself.” But honestly, it sucks when you realize you’re envious of those you admire and really like, and then need to step away for a while. I’m reading Fool Moon by Jim Butcher at the moment and something Harry Dresden says is, “It’s hard to take much joy in a friend’s prosperity when your own business is about to go under.”
Instead of seeing it as a character flaw or that I am a horrible person, I try to see it as an opportunity to grow. Some things are obvious – I want that life and I don’t have it so I don’t want to keep watching someone else live it. But there’s always more under the surface, and that’s where the real change comes from.
I’ve already taken out two large segments that didn’t make sense for this post (I saved it in my notepad app for another time haha) so I think I am going to end it here before I continue rambling! Thank you so much for being here, it means a lot to me! Hugs, Julia 💙