Hi beautiful friends, I recently captured the beauty of the blooming crape myrtles outside my apartment under the moody leaden sky, and I wanted to share with you a sentiment I thought of while editing the video. To be honest, I sat turning the tables over in my head trying to think of something that wasn’t frilly and flippant. I thought of things like “Did you look up today?” and “Notice the everyday magic” and as soon as the thoughts came they were replaced with “What?? Stfu” (I know). Then I noticed how gentle the flowers looked against the dramatic sky, and the thought formed that would end up being the sentence in the video.
I have been very, very slowly getting back into making videos. I actually got the idea that if I’m going to post on Instagram, it has to be a video as a way to motivate myself to create them more. It’s so weird to think about though, because back in 2016-2018 I was creating makeup tutorials and I made quite a few (15, plus two non-makeup related videos). Through all the moves, the depression, the learning-as-I-go, and working part-time, I managed to get out that many videos in 2~ years. I was so confident about making them, too! Now, I find myself contemplating how my confidence went in the bin when it comes to creating videos. I am genuinely scared to sit in front of the camera now, even though I really want to do it! It’s been plaguing me so much that I’ve talked to my BetterHelp therapist about it (I had some suspicions about what might have been going on).
Throughout the years of being cooped up in my apartment, I’ve convinced myself dozens if not hundreds of times that if I don’t have the most ideal circumstances, then I won’t make any videos. It won’t be worth making any videos. If I can’t blow people away with dramatic landscapes, cute pets, vlogging while walking next to a wild river, and cozy fireside chats, then there’s no point. Time and time again I have been the one to say “you’re not good enough”.
Something I often forget is that even though it is often the aesthetic in which draws people to watch someone’s videos, it’s the person in the video that keeps them watching. I watch the people I do because I love watching them. If I don’t connect with the person in front of the camera, I move on, regardless of how beautiful the background or music is.
Making art in general over the last several years has been one of my biggest struggles. But I was still living with the energies of toxic people, mindsets, and habits that truthfully I needed to work on letting go of before I put myself out into the world. However, during those times I didn’t know how much baggage needed to be dropped, and I always wondered What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just draw or film? It must be my environment. It must be me.
And on and on it went.
At the present moment, I feel much more equipped to turn on the camera and press record. Things aren’t exactly as I want them to be, but that doesn’t mean I can’t allow myself to enjoy making videos. I’m sure you’ve heard that Sophia Bush quote “You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work-in-progress, simultaneously”.
You can be both the heavy clouds and the weightless blooms.
If you’ve been dealing with similar art-making issues, I hope that I helped you feel seen and heard. Oh, and I wanted to recommend an Instagram that has been so helpful for me called Inspired to Write. The woman behind the inspiration is Amy McNee, and I heavily suggest having a look at her page if you’re feeling low about your art life!
I hope you have a lovely day or night,